Shackled only to myself and my emotions

Well I have to say that my life took a turn for the better and now it's gone back to just plain sucks. I'm not sure where to start or if I'm even able to yet. I'm desperately trying to sort out everything in my life and I keep drowning in it. It's strange that one minute everything is going so well and it's like you're back to normal and something happens to bring you back down again. I was finally able to get my Keith Urban CD out again. That was a good thing because I really needed that. Music is a part of my life and with it I can heal or just open old wounds. This time though it's helping. Remembering things now isn't so bad. I still get teary eyed at some but mostly I just feel like I usually do when remembering. The thing is though, it's strange to go from thinking you love someone (and I probably did) to thinking that the name of the person is just one of a friend you lost, but doesn't really matter in the long run. I feel really bad about that and it just seems to be gnawing at me from the inside. I think it's that fact that's making my life more of a hell than it has to be. I'm so tangled up in my emotions that I sometimes can't see up from down. It's something that happens to me all the time but still can't seem to figure out how it can be solved.

To make matters even more confusing, I have a crush on someone else. It's really strange and I don't think anything will come out of it. One thing is I'm too shy to do anything about (we're all afraid of rejection, I know) and well might be weird. He is the best friend of one of my good friends and the ex-boyfriend of another. I just don't know what to do about. I guess I maybe should talk to my friends about this, but I just don't know how to bring it up. I could ask for an email address, but I never seem to have time on the internet.

Things are just so messed up and to top everything else off, throw in university and work. Not only do I have homework and work every Tuesday and Thursday afternoons; I haven't been home for the past two weekends and this one isn't any different. I need to take things and slow them down. It hasn't happened and I know it probably won't. Probably another why I shouldn't follow up on the crush, which is something coming from me. I am the one who bases everything in her life upon love and thinks that you can't live life without it. I want so much to feel like I'm special again. Not as a rebound thing, but because it's just who I am. I like the idea of love and marriage (no I'm not looking for that yet). Also just the thought of being with someone who will understand me and who will be there for me is comforting. I know all my lovely girlfriends are always there for me, but it's just not the same. I need someone who I can love and someone who can love me back just as much or even more. I've probably said that before but it's true.

I should be heading of to bed now because I have a class tomorrow morning and then I jet off to Vegreville for TUXIS conference. I'll write later and hopefully tonight I will dream wonderful dreams that will point me in the way the my unconsciousness wants me to go. Au Revoir et bonne nuit. God Bless.