Why?

My grandmother had surgery to remove a tumour from her brain on the 9th of August. They did tests and it is cancer. I wasn't told the name of the cancer, but it's one that really isn't treatable. The doctors will do five rounds of radiation therapy, but it won't do much. The time she has left is about six months. I really don't like the month of August everything bad happens in it. And in 6 months I'll be almost 20, so it will still have the effect of every three years someone else close to me passes away. At least it gives me some time to semi get over one thing and face another. But I mean, losing both my grandmothers in the space of 2 and a half years is not something I want. But it's not in my hands, it's in God's. He knows what is best and will guide me through this. I have a stronger faith than I used to and I'm hoping that will help me cope with these next few months. Who would have thought that it would be my grandmothers' gone when it's my grandfathers' that have had the near death health problems. I don't want to say that it's not fair, but I can't help but feel a bit like that. At least both Grandma and Nan have the faith they needed/need to get through this. Nan knows there is a better place she will be going to. I just wish she could be around to see me get married, or even just engaged. Not all our prayers are answered. It's just not the time for that to happen. I'm going to get back to work now since it is my last day here. God Bless.

Flying?

I'm absolutely, wonderfully happy with my relationship but I'm listening to music that could dictate otherwise. I have no clue why. Maybe it makes me think of how life would be without Jason, and I can't bear to think of that. It would destroy me. Anyways... So I told my boss today that I will no longer be working for Pegasus Paper after August 18th. I will hopefully be working at Birch Bay Ranch the week of the 20th to 25th and then taking some time off while I apply to work at WestJet. I hopefully will be able to do that. I filled out a request for a birth certificate today and started on my passport application. It will be so good to get a different job. It might be difficult if I have to move to Calgary. It'll definately be different. I'll of course miss Jason and all my friends up here. It'll be funny cause Dan will move back to Edmonton as I move down to Calgary. At least Steffi lives in Calgary. It'll be nice to see her again. It'll also give me the change of location I've been wanting for a while. I guess I'm just a roamer and can't stay in one place for too, too long. I don't know how people can live in one place for their entire lives. It might be that I just like to travel and by being a flight attendant will be awesome. Oh, and Cyndi Lauper is amazing. She was awesome on Canadian Idol last night and tonight. She's brilliant. I'm going to jet and you all have a good night. God Bless.

Another twist in life

Found out last night that my grandmother in Ontario is having her surgery on the 9th of August. Hopefully this will eliminate the cancer treat on her brain. I feel like I should be doing something though, instead of staying here. I feel like I should be with Bawby for a while so I can help woth cleaning and cooking. That would mean that I would probably miss two weeks of work. That's quite a bit and a flight costs two weeks of work too. Anyways... I'm at work right now and should probably jet. God Bless

Long time gone

It's been two months since my last post. Much has happened since then. I'm working full time and that is really very taxing. I work as a receptionist/accounts recievable person at Pegasus Paper. I've worked there for two years and at the end of August, no matter what the decision is with school, I'll be quitting. I've been thinking of leaving one week earlier than I planned so I can work at the ranch for a week. That would be absolutely awesome. I really enjoy the environment of camp and wish that I have the opportunity to do so. Also not seeing Jason as much as I would like is draining. He is my life. Not being able to talk to him every couple of days isn't the best for me. I keep things bottled up within me and don't talk about them. The one person I really have to talk to most of the time is Jason. Without being able to communicate with him for a while just stresses me out. Of course the music that I am listening to lately hasn't been helping much. It could be considered depressing sometimes. I know I've broken out into tears when some songs start to play, but that's life. The lyrics touch me. My stars are changing, I feel it. I've been told I'm growing up. I'm not the child I once was. I guess I haven't been in a while. My life has been a broken road up until a year ago. Things started to change and I started to see things through different eyes. I've found out what life is about. Not the answer to the question of life, I believe we don't find that out until we pass on, but an explanation of what we need. I hated the courses I was to major in, in University so I quit. I've since then thought of what would make me happy. I've picked theatre arts as my goal. I want to be on Broadway some day and hopefully this will lead me there, and that Broadway is in the plans that God has for my life. If not, then I'll live. Not getting into theatre arts would be saddening but I still have a plan if it all falls through. I would probably end up doing bilingual business at NAIT. Yes, back to something completely opposite to drama, but that's alright. It's using french and that is important to me. If I have to work all this year then I'll be applying to airlines. Then I'll hopefully use my french and keep it in practice. I think I've rambled on long enough. Time for me to go and may God Bless all of you.

Thinking

Thinking of all the things that have impacted and molded me to be who I am. All the things of my childhood, my parents, and people I surrounded myself with. I've loved and lost but I have no regrets in life. This point in life has to be one of the best. My future may not be certain at all but I have a feeling that it wll turn out ok. I still need to get back into school and hopefully pull of a career out of acting. It will be difficult but if I keep trying I know I'll make it. It doesn't matter how far I get but acting in the Citadel would be amazing. Broadway would be better but we'll see if I get there. I'm going to be auditioning in two weeks for 'The Sound of Music' at festival place. I hope I get a part. It would be amazing. Not to mention, a boost of confidence. Another thing that is awesome in my life is of course, Jason. Not to get ahead of myself, but I think I've found the one for me in life. I hope nothing happens to destroy what we have. I don't know if I would be able to survive it. I've never felt this way for anyone before. I always thought that with a boyfriend, I would have to do something all the time. Find some activity to keep us busy. This, though, I'm content with just lying around and doing nothing. We don't even have to talk. Just being in his presence is enough. So much has happened in the past 7 months. I've changed, and in a good way. I've turned around and found something to live for. I'm going to dissapear now. Just need to do some more contemplating. I can't formulalte my thoughts into words. So difficult. Anyways... God Bless.

Changes

I'm sick and tired of school. I absolutely hate it. I have 2 days left but I just don't want to do this anymore. I audition for the theatre arts program at Grant Mac, June 4th and I hope that I make it in to the program. I know that a lot of people have faith in me but it doesn't seem like my parents do. That's just a downer. I know my grandmother doesn't approve of it, but she's an old stick in the mud. I also have to think about what I'll do if I don't get in. I know if I don't get in this year, I'll work the whole year and then try to get in the next. If I don't after that I guess I could do a BA at Grant Mac, or I could go somewhere else to do something. I know I'm not coming back to the U of A. I just don't like it. There's something about it that irks me. I figure that I could somewhere else for education, but that would be hard. I would be leaving all the people here. I don't know if I'd be able to do that with all the plans Jason and I have made. That would just suck. I just need some quiet time right now. Some time to clear my mind and not have to deal with pressing matters. Just get lost in nothing. I don't want to have to think anymore. I've got to go to class soon, so I'll leave off here. Until next time, God Bless.

Nothing

So, I really have nothing to say. Believe it or not. I just wanted to post again. Uni has been sucky lately. I have two papers and a french presentation to get done. That's really bumming me out. I really wish that it would cause I do want to be excited for my birthday, but I really won't be. Anyways... I think I'm going to go to bed now. God Bless