Confused

So I was at TUXIS conference this weekend and Saturday night one of my good friends sat me down to have a talk with me. He told me how he was feeling about his current girlfriend and then went on to tell me that he had feelings for another. That 'another' turned out to be two people. One was me and the other is the one who works with me at conferences to put together programming. All in all it was surprising and a little confusing. I knew he liked my partner but I had know clue that he liked me. I thought he liked me as a friend and that was it. That was probably all it was until conference since he told me, "I didn't really bother me not seeing you until I saw you Friday night." That was a kick in the pants. I told him I was interested in him too but I just don't think he actually got the point that I do like him a lot. My life has descended in to a more confusing circle that just keeps spiraling downwards. I can't keep letting myself into these situations. I think I just have to get up enough nerve to tell him how I really feel. I will say I don't care if he likes the otehr more than me, but of course you know that I do care. I care way too much and I guess for me it's a little scary. Who would have known that this would ever happen? God Bless

Shackled only to myself and my emotions

Well I have to say that my life took a turn for the better and now it's gone back to just plain sucks. I'm not sure where to start or if I'm even able to yet. I'm desperately trying to sort out everything in my life and I keep drowning in it. It's strange that one minute everything is going so well and it's like you're back to normal and something happens to bring you back down again. I was finally able to get my Keith Urban CD out again. That was a good thing because I really needed that. Music is a part of my life and with it I can heal or just open old wounds. This time though it's helping. Remembering things now isn't so bad. I still get teary eyed at some but mostly I just feel like I usually do when remembering. The thing is though, it's strange to go from thinking you love someone (and I probably did) to thinking that the name of the person is just one of a friend you lost, but doesn't really matter in the long run. I feel really bad about that and it just seems to be gnawing at me from the inside. I think it's that fact that's making my life more of a hell than it has to be. I'm so tangled up in my emotions that I sometimes can't see up from down. It's something that happens to me all the time but still can't seem to figure out how it can be solved.

To make matters even more confusing, I have a crush on someone else. It's really strange and I don't think anything will come out of it. One thing is I'm too shy to do anything about (we're all afraid of rejection, I know) and well might be weird. He is the best friend of one of my good friends and the ex-boyfriend of another. I just don't know what to do about. I guess I maybe should talk to my friends about this, but I just don't know how to bring it up. I could ask for an email address, but I never seem to have time on the internet.

Things are just so messed up and to top everything else off, throw in university and work. Not only do I have homework and work every Tuesday and Thursday afternoons; I haven't been home for the past two weekends and this one isn't any different. I need to take things and slow them down. It hasn't happened and I know it probably won't. Probably another why I shouldn't follow up on the crush, which is something coming from me. I am the one who bases everything in her life upon love and thinks that you can't live life without it. I want so much to feel like I'm special again. Not as a rebound thing, but because it's just who I am. I like the idea of love and marriage (no I'm not looking for that yet). Also just the thought of being with someone who will understand me and who will be there for me is comforting. I know all my lovely girlfriends are always there for me, but it's just not the same. I need someone who I can love and someone who can love me back just as much or even more. I've probably said that before but it's true.

I should be heading of to bed now because I have a class tomorrow morning and then I jet off to Vegreville for TUXIS conference. I'll write later and hopefully tonight I will dream wonderful dreams that will point me in the way the my unconsciousness wants me to go. Au Revoir et bonne nuit. God Bless.

University

So I started my first class at university this morning. English as a first class in a french faculty is a wonderful yet semi ironic start. Anyways this entry won't be too long. Right now I'm sitting in my friends' apartment typing this up. So english was fun and my prof seems so awesome. It will be an interesting year and term. So I have drama next and it's a lecture then a lab. Then this evening I have french from 6:30 til 9:00. It's kind of sucky but that's ok. I hope that everything will work out great. I also have taken the bus to school the last two days and will be the rest of the year. It's quite an experience. Well I'd better be signing off. God Bless.

Ramblings of a heartbroken girl

So my angels say I need to find serenity and to find that I need to get in touch with my inner child. To do that, they then say serenity is the way to do that. How confusing is that? The next card I pulled then was Emerging. I will be emerging in a new school I guess. I’m not suppose to hide who I am, which will be tricky cause I always have but we’ll see how that goes. I just had such a hard time these last couple of months. I was thinking last night of May 24th. That was the night that Jade, Erin, Esben and I went and had dessert. We then made a wish list for the coming year. I really can’t remember all of them for me but I do remember one. ‘To stay close to loved ones and not lose any.’ Well that didn’t even last a month. How crummy is that. I lost someone that I held and still hold dear. I really do hope he is having a good time and is faring well. I almost wish he would email me but I’m not sure how I would handle it, if one day I opened my inbox and there was a message from him. I think that in December I will send an email asking how he’s doing and wish him a Merry Christmas. I will also send a Happy Birthday one in January as well. But that will be it unless I get an answer from him. It’s so tough but I will get through this. I have to get through this. I need to put the past behind me and get on with my life. I can’t just stay and try to be stuck in a moment. I need to go live, maybe find a new guy that will be better to me than he was, one with a little more romance. It will be a wonderful day when I do. I might be only eighteen, but I don’t want to try out all these guys. I guess I’m just someone who wants to settle down even though I’m young. I’m more of a family person and that’s how it should be. I can’t keep going through life with one heartbreak after another. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and it’s true, but I don’t want it to be. I need this to end. Hopefully university will do that. I’ll be able to find someone who will sweep me off my feet. One who’s romantic, handsome, and speaks French. That’s almost a must, but if he doesn’t that’s ok. But every guy on my campus will have to speak French. It is a French campus after all. Well I’ll be going now to go try and live my wonderful life. I’ll write later. God Bless.