Quieter

Many things have happened in my life. Somethings I wish hadn't have happened, some I would give up for anything. I seem to be reflecting on these things right now and thinking of different outcomes of things in my life. Whether it's things that have happened, are happening or may happen. I'm also doing the unthinkable. Thinking of the what ifs. Who knows where this life will take me. I'm pretty sure I know the major parts of it, but I'm still uncertain about parts of my future. I keep thinking to myself, "Do I really want to be a teacher?" I really don't know what I want in that part of life. Really what I want to do is stay at home and care for my family. It may be dumb, but that's my thoughts. I would be disappointing everyone I know if I did that though. My parents want me to finish university and all that stuff but I really do find it hard and I can't cope with the stress of it some times. I do want a degree, but in what? I'm really thinking on switching into the music program. I think I would get much more out of it than I'm getting out of my other classes at the moment. Don't get me wrong, Drama is amazing. I always say I'm such an arts student but I'm not. I'm a FINE arts student. I need that creativity of music and performing. I get so much out of it and really need that in my life. Another thing I am sure of in life is my relationship with Jason. I don't think anything will get in the way of it. If there is something, I haven't thought of it. I love him so much and I know that he loves me too. I've learned to be open with someone and I can express my whole feelings to him. I can talk about anything and tell him my worries. Even if they are scary to both of us. Life is tricky, you think you have it figured out and it changes on you again. It's not something that is fair. I've got a funeral to go to in the next week. Someone who was very influencial has passed on to a better life. Melissa was a kindred spirit. She was really the one who got me singing. She coxed me to sing my first solo in church and then kept helping me in anything I needed. She was a wonderful lady and she will be missed by all. She'll live on in her daughters though and I'll keep to what she taught me. I'll never quit singing or making music. God Bless.

Untitled

I'm going into one of my moods again. I'm listening to one or two songs on repeat. I think it's because I just need some down time. Just have time for me, my work and those who are close to me. All others can just fade into the background and leave me be for a while. I need to rejuvenate and centre myself again. I'm too spread out. I'm getting tired of everything and it's not even the end of February yet. Those whoh have known me for a while know what I'm doing. Those who haven't will learn. I'm trying to get a grip on my life again. I always have a hard time at this time of the year for some reason. Maybe that's one reason for my little episode last year at this time. I hope this year I don't make any mistakes that will harm what I have. I'm bound to do so though. Just who I am. I must not lose faith and if I start to, will someone please knock some sense into me. I don't have my grandmother to lead me through this. I don't have her guiding strength to point me in the right direction anymore. I didn't last year either but some how made it through. This year just seems so much harder though. I've had to start moving on from losses that I've suffered in the past year and a half. That night in May always seems to come back to my memory. Why does it seem that I lose those close to me? I'm losing my battle with my fears and it's not a good thing. I need help through this. Wow, I actually asked for help. See I am vulnerable, not some strong person that can walk straight through everything. I'm not who everyone sees. Only a few have really seen who I am. Only a few will see me cry. Not the little tears coming out of my eyes, movie crying. But full out 'who-the-hell-died' sobbing. I'm going to go to bed now and try to get some sleep. I really am starting to miss, closing my eyes and heading straight of to dreamland. It's been a while and I miss it. So I'll pray for sleep as God keeps you all safe and blessed.

I know......

I know I've already posted tonight but I just went through all my old posts. It's kind of strange to see how my life was a year ago. I'm glad I'm not that girl anymore. I've been really hurt, but I grew so much from that and changed into someone that I can live with. I'm not such a little girl anymore. I've kind of figured out what it is I'm looking for in life and now I can go ahead and work for that. I'm not burdened by all the things that had been running through my head then and I can say that I have done some incredible laughing tonight. It's good to be able to look back at things and just see how important they were to you then, but able to laugh when you think how mundane they actually are. So for all of those out there reading this, have fun with your life. Not only what lays ahead and the now, but also the past. Take time to laugh and cry about what has happened in your life. It can make you bitter, but what it should do is help you to see what all is good in your life now. It can open your eyes to how you feel about things and how you react differently than you used to. See how much you've grown and you'll grow even more. It's a wonderful thing. I should head to bed now, so I'll jet and may God Bless you and keep you safe.

The weekend

The weekend is now over and that's a sad thing. I got to spend it with a bunch of good friends and with my lovely boyfriend. This was the first Front Bench Retreat for TUXIS and it was awesome. Not a lot of work was done, but there was a lot of community building and just chilling out with the rest of the crazy parliamentarians. Anyways, this is being written a little later at night than I usually. I'm usually not so coherent at this time at night, but I know I won't be able to sleep that well tonight. I got to spend last night in Jason's arms and I know I'll be missing that. I'm addicted to that boy and that can't be good. It's now hard to go for a few days without seeing him. It used to be fine when we'd see each other once every week, week and a half. Now that just doesn't cut it. Just seeing him 2 or 3 times sucks. I want to see him everyday. I can't though so I need to stop complaining about it. I love him so much and just want to start a life with him now. But that is way too soon. I'm not even 19 for another 2 months. We've been going out for 3 and a half months. That shouldn't be enough time for me to come to conclusions like this. I've just never felt like this for anyone and I don't think I ever will again. It's semi scary but it's my life. I love what has been given to me and I thank God for blessing me with everything. I grown so much in these last 7/8 months. I've figured out what I need and want in my life. I never thought that my religion and spirituality would be such a factor in things, but it is. Jason hasn't necessarily tought me that, but he has made me see that aspect in my life. I'm now starting to embrace it for what it is and it has made me stronger in the long run. I'm able to see what I need to get done and what I need to let go of as well. I was able to get my room clean, after living in such a disaster area for almost a year. It was hard to begin with because of reminders of Grandma and then reminders of Esben. One day though that just didn't factor anymore. I wanted it clean and when I came across memories I just let them come and wash over me. It was a release to do that. I was then able to move on in all aspects of my life and start living my life like I wanted too. I still have problems with my parents sometimes, but that's just part of life because I'm trying to grow up and gain my independance. I think I'll try to get to sleep now because I do have classes tomorrow morning. Hope everyone had an amazing weekend and God Bless.

Answers to questions

Here's your answers!
1. One thing I would change about my appearance is the colour of my eyes. I would change them from hazel to grey.
2. I don't know if it's a bad habit, but my short temper. When I get a little pissed off, I'll take it out on the closest person at the moment. Usually that's Jason. Sorry Hun. I guess also Dan and Shinji since that was just pointed out to me. (I'm in Poli Sci again.)
3. I do admire a famous person. I absolutely adore Angelina Jolie. She's just amazing (for lack of a better word).
4. The natural hair colour I would like would be the reddy auburn my grandmum had when she was young.
5. My favourite musical artist is definately Sarah McLachlan.
6. Favourite childhood memory would probably have to be all the times I had water fights with my da. Always so much fun. The last one was a couple of years ago. It's just full out war between my da, my sister and myself. Mum just tries to stay out of the way. If we get her, she'll go get the garden hose.

So I hope that answers your questions and if not, just tell me.
God Bless!